From All Of Me At Mickey's Next Deal

Happy start of "Every new film the next couple months is the first great film of 2011!" season!

The Jack White/Tony Danza Theory

I've made a startling discovery: Jack White is Tony Danza!

Think about it:

White Stripes=Taxi. Undeniable classic. Gets better and more popular around the third album, much like Taxi's second season with the arrival of Christopher Lloyd.

The Raconteurs=Who's The Boss-OK, had it's moments, but not particularly memorable.

The Dead Weather=Tony's further sitcom ventures. Enough already. And why does he keep naming his character Tony?

All that's missing is a boxing career and a daytime talk show.

Music Wrap-Up 2010!

Eminem taught us domestic violence was bad, Maroon 5 taught us domestic violence is hot if it's the chick, and Florence and the Machine taught us if both parties are into it, domestic violence is the hottest fucking thing EVER.

Viva 2010!

Really?

There's already a commercial for the "9/11 Tenth Anniversary Commemorative Coin"?

Can we get to January 1st, 2013 before we get the "Fuck The Mayans" coin?

The Stillman's Holiday Family Newsletter

Seasons Greetings!

I hope this writing finds you and yours in good spirits, and that they follow you into the new year and beyond!


It's been an interesting 2010 in the Stillman household.

In January, the year got off to the worng start as my beloved Roger got laid off from his job at the Textile and Sardine Canning factory. He took it particularly hard. First hitting the bottle, than hitting me, than hitting something called a "cheap ten dollar whore". Our marriage has lasted through many difficult times though, and through faith, therapy, and Red Bull mixed with Vicatin, it didn't take us long beofre we were back on the right track.

And as for Roger's special friend, she moved in with us in February. She lives in our basement, and is fed one square meal a day served under the door. Roger insists we have sex with him at the same time to aid in his recovery process, but I'm not sure this is even humanly possible.

In March, our twin sons Tiberius and Alfredo, took their first steps. It was a magical moment, though I must admit, I found it quite confusing when they walked towards each other and wrestled each other to the ground, and followed this up with a long french kiss.

Boys will be boys I suppose.

Speaking of boys being boys, Roger resumed working. I was and continue to be ecstatic, but I know next to nothing about his new line of work. All I know is he comes home smelling of scotch and perfume, and after a trip to the basement, he's never in the mood to spend time with me. But an income is an income, so I won't judge!

In April, we were thrilled when our two income family became a three income family! Our daughter Maggie, fresh out of her career as a high school heartbreaker, applied for and secured a job at the circus working as the bearded lady. While it's been painful having her away from the hoime months at a time, as she's off travelling with her friends and entertaining thousands, it's comforting to know that she found a job she's so perfect at. Due to her unique condition, she used to need to shave every three hours in order to keep up her feminine appearance and drive the boys wild. Now I'm sure she's breaking hearts, and records!

In May, the moment I dreaded for years had finally arrived. I had turned 50. Having already been fearing my beloved Roger's no longer finding me attractive, I went out and did something I never thought I'd do. I got breast implants. Things were going great, and I looked good, until we found out that my breast implants were once implants rejected by notorius serial killer Jean "The Machine" Pimento. The implants possessed me, and I'm now wanted on murder charges in three states, with New Mexico waiting on a ruling. It's unfortunate, but these things happen.

In June, I returned from my sabbatical to find that my beloved Roger had begun acting unusual. He was now referring to his friend as "Mistress Adrianna" and had told the kids to start calling her mommy. Being the strong willed woman that I am, I accepted this as just a phase, and returned to work. I was so happy to find that despite my recent incident, and despite the murder of my boss at my hand, my old job at Hooters was waiting for me and I was welcomed back with open arms.

Also in June, Tiberius and Alfredo spoke their first words! "Prop 8"! We're not sure what this means, but they're so cute at this age!

In July, we received a very welcome surprise. Our eldest son Stan returned from his tour of duty in the middle east, just in time for the Fourth Of July! Saying that his eyes were now open for the first time in his life, Stan insisted we now call him Fassad, and that we give him directions to the capitol Well we suggested MapQuest, but our internet was down. We later found out this was due to an FBI investigation, and while we wish they'd let us see our Fassad again, they insist his incarceration is for the best.

In August, I was relieved when Roger's "Mistress Adrianna" phase had ended. Even better, the kids were calling me Mommy again! I was starting to feel as things were getting back to normal. To top it all off, we celebrated the arrival of a new addition to our family! At Roger's insistance, we officially adopted Adrianna. I have to say, despite my initial doubts, she's been a terrific fit for our family. She takes care of the kids while we're at work, she cooks all our meals, and even pays rent. Roger still makes nightly trips to the basement, and I'm not quite sure that that's legal or even ethical, he's never seemed happier.

September was a very exciting month for the Stillman clan! We all caught a rare, airborn virus that ravaged most of our town. Thousands died, but not us, we have survival genes! I feel the closest we've ever been as a family was when we were under that quarantine tent. We played games, sang songs, succeeded in invoking the dark one through our years of practicing black magic...which by the way, needs to be mentioned, despite his ritual sacrificing of Adrianna and our dog Sparkles, is one heck of a sweet guy, it was a blast. I'd say the only downside of the experience was I passed out from the virus.

And that's the last thing I remember. I woke up a few days ago and learned that not only was it a few days until Christmas, but that I had been kicked out of the house. Adrianna had reappeared, having been summoned from the dead, and she has now completly usurped my position as head of the household. Which is fine really. My husband is scum and my kids are a bunch of freaks. Let her and her "perfect ass" deal with it. Yeah...you try having four kids and we'll see who has the perfect ass......

Anyway, where was I? Oh yes....have a merry Christmas and a wonderful 2011!

With love,
The future Mrs. Stillman, inmate #4908765


PS: I don't think her ass is that great

Ad Nauseum

Saw a couple ads that struck me recently, and since my thoughts are too long for Twitter, I thought I'd do some bloggings.

Hey, indulge me. I don't blog much.


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Saw an ad for Twilight: Eclipse saying "It's the perfect holiday gift"

Yes kids. Celebrate the birth of our savior with the offspring of Satan!


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If the car commercial where the lady sees Erik Estrada at a car dealership and shouts "What are you doing here?!" was more realistic, his response would be "I live here, you stupid bitch!"

The Day After

Fridge full of Thanksgiving leftovers. Other leftovers from this week.

Still plenty of food.

And what do we have for lunch? My mother stops at the mini-mart and gets chicken wings and fries.

This is why America should be hated.

They were damn good though......

Deep Thought of the Day (10/25/10)

Somewhere at this very moment, Buckner & Garcia are kicking themselves they didn't wait 20 more years to do Pac-Man Fever.

They'd be internet superstars.

An Ode to the Frozen Dinner

It is time to commence being food.
Awaken from your frozen state,
and fulfill your destiny.
Get in my stomach.

.....Awkward

Today's Awkward Moment of the Day


Walking past a church, and a guy's putting signs on the road. Passes me and asks how I'm doing, I say fine, ask him the same he says "No complaints" and walks away. I look down at the signs he's placing.

"Funeral today. No parking"

NO COMPLAINTS?????????? 8oO

Hey Simpsons Season 22 premiere!

Flight of the Conchords guest star as two quirky musical camp councillors at a performing arts camp where Lisa attempts to come out of her shell!


Sounds in NO WAY reminiscint of the Home Movies season 4 premiere where They Might Be Giants guest star as two quirky musical camp councillors at a performing arts camp where Brendan, Jason, and Melissa attempt to come out of their shell!

And South Park already called an episode "Elementary School Musical".

I'm just saying....bad omens for the season......

Mysterious windowless van found parked by pre-school!

Saw a van today that said "Keeping Kids Healthy From Teeth to Toe".

OK, yeah, that's all fine and good, but what about things above the teeth? There's a good 2/3rds of a head left!

This just asks more questions than answers them!

Controversial opinion: Book burning

I'm not anti-Christian.

I'm pro-Not getting the shit blown out of us.

Question of the Year

When are they gonna get around to making a Huey Lewis Rock Band?

I'd be all over that shit.

Mickey's Next Deal Presents:

A short playlet based an experience I had 20 minutes ago with my new computer:

Computer: You changed the hardware. Reactivate Windows now!

Me: Er....I can't get online on you, Mr. Computer. How am I supposed to reactivate Windows?

Computer: Oh well you're fucked. Bye bye.


And....scene.


I just want to get online in my own damn room on my damn computer. Why is this so difficult????

Controversial opinion: Net Neutrality

I'm all for Net Neutrality, but does it have to come with Al Franken's whiny face plastered everywhere I go on the net?


I'm just saying: At what cost, people? AT WHAT COST

My controversial immigration opinion!

Learn to speak English!

No. not the immigrants.

The fucking computer tech repair geeks with all your MB and GHZ and those EVIL numbers Prince warned us about.

I shouldn't have to look up every other word (Or syllable/number/syllable) when reading the description.

Am I right, people????

Glenn Beck seeks my approval

Facebook is asking me if I support Glenn Beck.


You know, I'm getting damn sick of this. How about showing ME some support for once Glenn? It's a two way street, you know! I mean....I give...and I give...I make all these funny quips so people will love me because that's the only thing I'm good at...and....excuse me. I have something in my eye.

Something to think about

Today, I was feeling all guilty about not putting in an appearance at a b arbecue today. Just getting the food brought in, and not even leaving the apartment until the tail end when I went to do laundry.

Everyone knows I'm just not a crowd person, and yet I always still feel like an anti-social prick when things like this happen.

And then I realized: Maybe I just don't want people to see the me that's usually been occupying my body for the last 6 years. The me that lost a job, lost my one shot at a serious relationship, and blames himself for everything that's gone wrong in his life since.

World, if I wasn't so pissed and tired all the time, maybe you'd see more of me.

Just sayin'

A Tribute to "That Guy"

You know "That Guy".

"That Guy" is a classmate of yours in middle school.

"That Guy" knows all the cool music way before it's on MTV.

"That Guy" prefers Stove Top over mashed potatoes.

OK, maybe not that last part. I don't know. Maybe. I didn't pay attention to his tray when he'd sit down at the lunch table. Hell, back then, school lunch was the same for everybody. You didn't like the taco pizza? Tough shit, pinko.

But back to "That Guy"

"That Guy" was known as Scott. However, he goes by many names in many schools across the country, and may in fact, sometimes even be "That Girl".

Back in 92 when everyone who claimed to be into so called "alternative" music was a poser (Including me), Scott was the real deal. And he knew full damn well there were more cool bands around and on the horizon.

"Gish" and "Pretty Hate Machine" were big shit in the indie world, but New Hampshire in 92? No one knew what a Smashing Pumpkin or a Nine Inch Nail was. Scott knew. And his notebook covers proudly declared it.

And he also knew what you'd like. And that's why I feel like writing this.

They Might Be Giants weren't new in 92. By that time, they had already had their hit songs and got buried by grunge. But I sure as heck never heard of them. I'm sure I saw the videos Tiny Toons made for Particle Man and Istanbul when that ep first aired, but I thought nothing of it.

Anyway, one day Scott handed me a tape and said that I'd love it. It was Flood, and the tape did not leave my walkmen for months.

How much did I love it? When I finally wised up and got some of TMBG's other albums, it took me a few weeks before I listened to them. I didn't want to ruin Flood somehow.

Anyway, thanks Scott, wherever you are. Without you, my music taste would be VASTLY different (Actually, probably similar. I still have a thing for the cheesy hip hop of the late 80s/early 90s that I was mostly into at the time. I just would have taken a different route in getting into alternative music too).

I Need Help

Well, we knew that already, but....

Anyway, I'm finally in the 21st century and finally got me a high speed connection.

Great, but before all the pomp and circumstance, I'm getting one headache after another and I just want to get online without all the technobabble (I'm allergic)

So here's the deal: My niece has the modem/router/whatever that dealie is. I got me a card/adapter/whatever this dealie is.

First problem was finding the network I was supposed to be on. This took me several trips online through my dial up before I finally got the info I needed in a language I could understand (Funny aside: It was the one I went on in the first place but left a few seconds later because I didn't want to be somewhere I wasn't supposed to be.

So I finally got on the network, and now this lovely deal:

"Limited or no connectivity

you might not be able to access the internet or some network resources. This problem occured because the network did not assign a network address to the computer."

Finding several results but only finding a couple I understand, even after searching the entire error message. I tried the ones I do understand, nothing.

So I figure the starting point is getting the IP assigned.

The sites I seem to keep finding either only explain how to assign an IP to the main computer (My niece's) or to get back online after an XP Service Pack 2 glitch (I did download SP2 about three months ago, but I'd like to worry about my current problem before checking to see if that's the problem, because I doubt it, since it seems like that's a problem for people already on high speed who downloaded SP2 and it crashed)

Also: Just for shits and giggles, I plugged her IP, Mask, Wins, whatever all those funky ass numbers are into my properties. I got a "perfect" connection, I just can't get anywhere or anything. So I guess I'm at least on the right track with that.

So anyhow yes, I am an idiot. Funny story: As frustrating as dial up is, it's even more frustrating knowing there's high speed in the house and I can't get to it.

Can any of you help me? Or do any of you at least know what I'm rambling about?

Earth Day Musings FROM THE PAST!!!!!

In clebration of Earth Day (I'm not late, am I? *loos around*), here are my thoughts on the psuedo holiday/brainwashing festival from my MySpace blog.....ALL THE WAY BACK FROM 2009!

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Earth Day? FEH!!!!!
Category: Life
Earth is trying to kill us, what with it's global warming, earthquakes, rabid squirrels, man eating plants that come out of green sewer pipes, etc.

Why in the holy hell have we given Earth a special day when all it's trying to do is kill us??? We don't have Hitler Day!

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Considering my Facebook status from Earth Day 2010, my feelings haven't changed much:

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Earth Day 2010! Celebrate the planet that has given us so much this year! 8.2 earthquakes! Continent disrupting volcanoes! Mining disasters! The Earth...the ungrateful bastard of the Solar System.

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All the more reason we need to replace Earth Day with The Fonz Day

Top 10 Craziest Census Conspiracies

1. It's all an elaborate plan by your crazy ex to find you. REALLY elaborate.
2. Determines passengers for 2012 escape pods
3. Round up all the reality show fans, shoot 'em
4. Maybe Bin Laden's here and he's really gullible...you never know....
5. The US Census is strictly being used for more "White people have names like this, while black people have names like this" jokes
6. Somebody wants more Facebook friends.......
7. If you check "Team Conan" on the census form, NBC will round you up and send you to Jay Leno sponsored re-education humor camps
8. Did we forget to mention every one who fills out the form gets a free lifetime subscription to "Post Surgery Oddities" magazine?
9. Census sent to RIAA, who will come to your home. If you have just one cd by an artist not played on top 40 radio, they will cut you.
10. Names of residents of rural areas in the south sent to probe happy aliens

It was just a typical day on the set.

The same stories, the same arguments, the same preaching to the same choir.

But the anticipation was in the air.

Tonight was the start of the next chapter. Ratings, awards, a devout fan following, none of this shit mattered.

A calling is a calling, and you can only put it off so long.

For months now, the end of the night's show signaled the beginning. Extensive training, extensive resaerch, extensive sewing of a kicky costume. Each kick, each alphabetically ordered entry into a database, each breathable fiber, bringing the day closer and closer. Today was that day.

He loved his country. He was borderline obsessed with his country. Quite frankly, his country gave him a boner.

It was time to repay the favor. He said his good night, left the studio, and embarked on his journey.

He cruised around looking for action. He stumbled upon a bank robbery in process. He briefly considered making this his first conquest, but quickly came to his senses. "It's beneath me", he thought, "and it fights the system".. He sped past the getaway driver and offered a thumbs up.

No, he was trying to hook bigger fish in bigger ponds. There was his target. He parked his car, and approached the office of his country's latest political enemy, his not at all flamboyant costume flapping in the light breeze and leaving nothing to the imagination.


He was shot to death on sight.

My new life's goal

I want to be attacked by a pundit.

No, not in some cutesy internet meme, I mean the real deal, I wanna full on on-air "Neil Persson is the next Hitler!" rant!

I don't care what affiliation does it....Bring me your conservatives, your liberals, your lovable inbred 3rd party wackos. Be you teabagger, salad tosser, or a member of the Pearl Necklace Brigade (Oh, they're good), bring on the hate!!!

And hey...if you know any political pundits, pass this along. Tell them I hate them and I will eat their puppy!

Note: I do not condone Hitler or eating puppies.

Tickets going fast!!!!

Get your tickets for an Evening With Mickey T. Gardener!!!!

The event takes place in my garage, and features an introduction by Mickey T. Gardener, followed by the man of the evening, Mickey T. Gardener!

Join me as I discuss my process (Hint: All my jokes are stolen from Welcome Back Kotter reruns), and other exciting tidbits related to my process.

Tickets are $350,000 (Cheap!) and include folding chair level seating, access to buffet of Swedish Fish and Hannaford root beer, and free parking by the basketball hoop.

People who pre-order their tickets using a credit card will recieve a "New England Patriots 19-0 2007 Champions" t-shirt.

Act now, or don't!

Mickey's exciting Academy Awards night wrap up!!!!

I went to sleep at 7, woke up at 11:30 and caught the rest of Def Leppard's Behind the Music Remastered. Damn, those guys just can't catch a break, can they?

Number of nominated movies I've seen: 0

The Envioromental Candidate

Someone please tell me how you can be an Environmental Candidate when blanketing a town with flyers that absolutely everyone will throw in the trash.

Ever hear of e-mail dude? And then I can blcok you?

Shut up, you whiny mail babies!!!!!!!!!!!!

Aw, Saturday delivery's costing us money, waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! That god damn internet!


Look, fuckers...you know who delivers mail on Saturday? Twice!! That stupid pelican on Animal Crossing! In fact, he does it twice EVERY DAY, including SUNDAY! And he has a girlfriend! And he takes time at least once a week to stop and fratanize with the townspeople!

Are you saying a pelican is better than you? You make me sick

SEX

SEX

#Hashtag Wrapup

In which I occasionally use this neglected blog to waste a post reposting stuff I did on Twitter so this blog feels less neglected:


#foodsongs

Viva Velveeta

Juice Somebody

Gravy Shade of Winter

Bread Like a Bowl

Rockin' the Supper

For more: #foodsongs

#mathmovies

Sum Like it Hot

Calculator 3: Rise of the Adding Machines

Fatal Affraction

Stop Making Cents

Subtraction Jackson

For more: #mathmovies

Official Mickey's Next Deal Super Bowl Pick

I got sweet numbers this year, and last time the Colts were in, I won 200 bucks.

Prepare to eat it, bitches!

???

Tetris piece for retarded people.

Bands

There's no such thing as a great band
Just a good band with a higher ratio of great songs to shitty songs.
Unless your band has one song.
And it's really fucking awesome.

My nose

Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like without my nose.

For starters, I'd hear that "But how dos he smell? Terrible!" joke a lot more.

My emo cat

My cat is very emo.
She's always wearing black.
That probably has more to do with her being a black cat though.

Bacon

You and I need to have a talk.


It's not like I don't love you anymore,it's just I've been seeing too much of you lately and....I don't want to ruin what we have, you know?


I hope you understand

Ravens

Seriously?


If Poe wrote about a pigeon, would goths worship them? Would the whole goth subculture be sporting grey? Would Bauhaus be serenading us with chant's of "Bert's Dead"?

Ravens. Feh.

Never forget!!!!!

Wrestling legend Vinkesh the Vicious wishes you a happy new year and pays tribute to a fallen hero.