Dot dot dot

So I lost out on another job.

The "job", as it were, was 5 hours a [i]week[/i]

I'm not too concerned about the job itself, as there's such a thing as a difference between taking a step backwards in order to go forward, and the feeling of humiliation and defeat that comes with taking it (Yeah, it's conceited, so be it).

But at the same time, it's even more humiliating that I can't even get 5 hours.

What do I have to do to impress these people?

For those who don't know, I've been unemployed since being fired 5 and a half years ago from a diner (Completely not my fault as the owner mismanaged all his money and the place was closed a month after I was fired). Since then, I've been on a number of interviews with varying degrees of experiences. Some went great, most went bad (I don't interview, or even speak, well at all), and one was just comically embarrassing (That's a story for another day..it's a doozy and proves just how screwed I am :) ).

So besides my faults of not speaking well (As well as my lack of front teeth making me look like a meth addict), I'm also extremely limited as to what jobs I can go after. I'm a high school dropout and I have social anxiety disorder. So basically I have very limited skills and limited locations I can use them.


I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm so sick of these little shows I have to put on, where I get dressed up, and pretend to be someone I'm not. and get judged by people who just met me minutes ago. It's getting (If it's not there already) to the point where I've had it. It's not worth my time.

It would be nice if I could use all this free time to work on my creative output, and try and make something out of that. Problem is, after the last three years (Where on top of my unemployment, I had to deal with housing issues, and the ice storm that hit us last year). I've become so depressed and paranoid I've become a completely different person than who I used to be. All my creative energy (And basically all my energy) has been zapped away. It would also be nice if I could take a few classes or something to at least feel like I'm accomplishing [i]something[/i] during this time, but of course that takes money, which I don't have since I can't get a job, and......

I'm just so lost right now.